Saturday, March 10, 2007

I'm Going To Need...

Ok... It's time for the funny shyt...

I'm going to need people to stop coming in the beauty school smelling like a bowl of goat azz, piss, and chit'lins...STOP! Go DIRECTLY to the bath... do not pass GO, do not collect perfume to mix with your stench. I have to stand over you and your funkdafied fumes the entire time (usually 1.5 to 2/3 hours) fighting bouts of regurgitation, while possibly passing out over you... As we used to say... SHIPMATE... YOU ARE WRONG!!! I might get an irresistible urge to spray your smelly ass with the water at the shampoo bowl, dump some ENJOY-™ on your stankin' azz, and ask you to lather up before continuing the service. This is an establishment where people are learning to deal with the general public. Take it one offense at a time please.... but damn, coming in funky- is just beyond wrong. Don't have the next person or me thinking that the general public is a bunch of nasty-non-ass-washin' people...Take you and your nasty habits home, and get clean before coming out in public... Thank you... It would be greatly appreciated.

I'm going to need people with hair that is 2 inches total not to come in asking for these buckwild styles...Ponytails and things that require you to have hair in the first place to even get. Then demand and expect it to look like they paid full price for it... STOP it!!! What part of School did you not understand... S-C-H or O-O-L? or was it spelled too "correctly" for your slow ass? OK: This is a SKOOL. Do I look like Mickey Mouse? Does it look like I have a wizard cap on my head? No, I don't... so stop looking for, demanding, and expecting Fantasia 2007 results. 'Cuz it ain't going to happen baldy-locks.

I'm going to need people to quit being so damn cheap... I have seen countless students slave over people's heads, doing damn good jobs, and hell- even if they didn't; they still took the time to try and work on your megadome-ass head. Yeah, I said it... you cheap muthafukka. If you're at a beauty school playing russian roulette with your hair, getting it done for your wedding day...Your ass is cheap. (that was just a joke example folks) Anyway on to the point... You're only paying a quarter to half (if that) of the price you would pay if you went to a "real salon" & you have the nerve not to tip folks?!?!?! They say, "You shouldn't expect a tip" & Maybe they are right, but hell, I agree with my classmate; I kinda do expect one. I am standing on my feet for hours at a time, mixin' and matchin', burning my fingers, slaving over a stove (sometimes literally) to make sure you walk away lookin' good... and you can't even drop me enough to get me a .75¢ soda, to quench my thirst from standing up, working through my 20 minute lunch-mind you, working on your big ass head??? Wow!!! Some people are very inconsiderate. Naaa... scratch that... some people are just fukked up. Half of these muggs could tip you 10 bucks and still come out cheaper than at a regular shop... Yeah, I know... it's the thankless profession I chose...but when it's said and done, my prices will include the tip. So I won't feel so bad about being on my feet etc etc... And not being tipped, because I will get my money regardless... So- Take that!

I'm going to need people to quit coming in there asking for "cold waves" AKA Jheri curls. That is so not sexy. First off, it smells like doo-doo when you put the stuff in your hair, then afterwards... you have to walk around with your SOUL GLO moisturizer 'til it's time for a retouch. It's even more annoying when someone (usually some old lady) with 3 strands of hair wants one. LADY- please don't do this to yourself... I can see your scalp already... I see your thoughts and all... the last thing you need, is a hairdo that is going to make your hair all the more transparent. Yeah I know I'm going to hell for that... but you're going with me for laughing. HA!

I'm going to need the teachers to be looking at some of these folk's feet before trying to assign a student to do these critters. I understand it's cheaper to come to a beauty school and get your tootsies done... but damn, that's just cruel to bring your feet in to a school, looking like they been ran over 25 times by a Tonka Truck™... wanting a student- who is just learning how to do a regular pedicure- to do your feet. Then got the nerve to get offended when they put gloves on... A lot of these feet that be coming through the school need to see the hands of a PODIATRIST- not a student!!! If your feet have any of the soon to be named, you need to go to a regular shop or carry your nasty-footed ass to the foot doctor. Corns, flaking feet, black toenails, gargoyle toes... Anything that would make a pimp look at you like this ----> when you wear open toe sandals, need-not be in a beauty school. Maybe the next time they do that the person should just say, "Eeeeew! I can't touch those!!! Sorry lady, you need to see a doctor." and walk off. I bet they'll come correct the next time they walk into a beauty school.

Finally, I'm going to need people to understand that what I say is purely for entertainment sometimes... Of course there is always some truth in what I say. I just keep it real about the BS... These are the thoughts I have going through my head a lot and sometimes I like to get it off. So if you no like... You no buy.

Good-Day folks...

"Each day gets better... I just can't leave her no..."

Each Day Gets Better- John Legend